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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  March 6, 2019 1:33am-2:05am PST

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so, now, how about a caller who wants to buy jewelry? yes. hello, sir? - you're too scared to do it, aren't ya? you don't have the balls. - goddamn it, i'm not scared to do it. - nah, you're scared. you got-- you got lady balls. [hangs up, dial tone] [beep] - hello? i'm calling about the peridot earrings. - yes, ma'am! - they'd look good on your dead body. why don't you kill yourself? - all right. that's that. that there's the-- the straw that broke the camel's back. i got a gun right here. what do you think about that? - put it against your temple and pull the trigger. [gun clicks] [gunshot] [microphone feedback]
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[gunshot] [patriotic music] male announcer: from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, "the daily show with trevor noah" presents... [folksy music] ♪ - gender is a complicated topic these days. and gender reveal parties are just adding fuel to the fire. - "the arizona star" has new video showing an explosion at a border agent's gender reveal party that apparently sparked the 2017 sawmill wildfire. agent dennis dickey admitted to accidentally starting this fire that burned 47,000 acres in the santa rita mountains. - he was sentenced to five years' probation and ordered to pay restitution of more than $8 million. - damn. the guy was trying to have a gender reveal party and ended up burning down a forest. that's like, "congratulations. it's a lawsuit."
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like, these gender reveal things are getting out of control because when it started, it was just, like, popping a balloon. now people are setting off explosions, like it's a bomb. you're setting off a bomb. it's gotten so violent, i feel like we're a month away from a gender reveal drive-by shooting. it's a girl, mother[bleep]! [imitates gunfire] ah! enjoy it! they grow up so fast! ♪ we all love grandma's cookies, but one student in california took it a little too far. - davis police are investigating a bizarre incident that allegedly happened at a high school. a male student claims he saw a girl pass out cookies, saying that she'd used her grandmother's ashes to bake them. - officers believe as many as nine students at davinci charter academy high school ate the cookies, some who knew what was allegedly in them. - now, i know-- i know-- i know you might be thinking that this is disgusting; those kids ate the cookies knowing that there were granny ashes inside of them, but don't judge them.
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these are cookies, okay? you would have to be a psychopath to turn down cookies. like, i don't know about you, but i love cookies. if you offer me cookies, i'm always gonna eat them, all right? you're like, "but they contain ashes." okay, but do they contain cookies? yeah. then we're good. you--if you give me cookies and tell me that there might be dog poop inside them, i'll eat around. i'll just be like, "yeah, i'll eat around the dog poop." i'll just put it on one piece. i'll be like, "that's the piece with the poop." and you're like, "oh, how do you know that's the piece with the poop?" good point. i might as well eat that too, then. i might as well eat it all. it's cookies. what i am worried about is, what if these grandma ash cookies are the best cookies these kids have ever had? then they're gonna get addicted. then one of the other grandmas is gonna walk in the room, be like, "hey, boys, what are you doing?" they'll be like, "hello, grandmother." [imitates hannibal lecter] ♪ halloween is almost here. and if you are an older kid planning to go out, you're in for a treat. - how old is too old to trick-or-treat? well, if you happen to be in virginia on october the 31st, the answer is 12 years.
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several towns in eastern virginia have laws that make it illegal to trick-or-treat if you're older than the age of 12. in fact, it's a misdemeanor. and it comes with a fine between $25 and $100, and it could also lean up to six months in jail. - yes. yes, you heard that right. some towns in virginia are planning to arrest any kids who trick-or-treat over the age of 12. imagine that. six months in jail for a 13-year-old who wanted to dress up. i mean, don't get me wrong. the mugshots would be pretty dope. uh. and getting arrested in a costume might not be the worst thing, because at least when you walk into jail, all the other inmates will be like, "who's the new guy? oh, shit, it's dracula!" ♪ for all those nervous parents who worry every time they put their kids on the school bus in the morning, you were right. - a school bus driver caught on camera allowing students as young as 11 to steer the bus. parents are demanding answers as the driver faces charges.
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- by the time mcatee showed up at the school bus board to pick up her next check, police were there waiting, arresting her and charging her with neglect of a dependent. - wow, she was charged? what a bunch of haters, man. yo, that driver made school fun. you think those kids will ever miss school ever again? those kids are like, "can we do this every day?" and as a bonus, it's job training. huh? where do you think the next generation of bus drivers is coming from? not all your kids are going to harvard, people. this is an amazing story. and i know people are like, "oh, trevor, what if they crashed that bus?" well, they didn't, okay? so it seems to me like that driver was doing a good job of teaching them. because also, you read about school bus crashes all the time. how many of those were driven by kids? none, so i rest my case. ♪ here's an adorable story about old people living their best life.
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- few people, now, they would list nature's most cuddly creatures as maybe a puppy or maybe a koala bear, right? alligators? that on your list? - no. - this one is registered as an emotional support animal. his name is wally. 4 1/2 feet long. do you hug an alligator? - yeah. - i don't know. he lives in york, pennsylvania, and his owner telling the "york daily record" that wally is remarkably well-tempered and enjoys being petted just like a dog or a cat. - yo, white people are having a good time in america. you're gonna take an alligator to an assisted living facility? and of course that alligator "enjoys being petted." i'd be happy too if my food came right to me and gave me a massage. like. the one thing i will admit, though, is this may be a genius idea, because you know how they say the secret to preventing dementia is to do things that stimulate the brain? well, nothing stimulates the brain like having an alligator around. i can tell you now: every single person in this retirement home
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is gonna be sharp as a tack. yeah, there's not gonna be like, "i don't know where my glasses are." it's gonna be like, "where did you leave your glasses, margaret?" she'll be like, "in the bathroom where the alligator was." that's where the glasses are. people walking, like, "gertrude, do you know who this is that's come to visit?" "yeah, it's my one-armed granddaughter, the one who was bitten by an alligator!" the undisputed champs, tundran and tacoma!. and in this corner, the reigning rulers of the road! let's get ready for spriiiiinnng! not bad. ready for a great deal? let's do iiiiiit! so good. what makes an amazing deal even better? how about that every new toyota comes with toyotacare, a two-year or 25,000 mile no-cost maintenance plan and roadside assistance? ready, set, go get your toyota today. toyota let's go places we made it! where's jason? jason! jason! i didn't know if you were lost. stick with me. i'll keep you safe. there's a family in our driveway.
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[ eerie music playing ] what are you people? [ sinister laugh ] it's us. ♪ i got five on it they won't stop. we need to move and keep moving. ♪ i got five on it [ screaming ] stick with me. i'll keep you safe. [ screaming ] ♪ five on it i can customize each line for each family member? yup. and since it comes with your internet, you can switch wireless carriers and save hundreds of dollars a year. are you pullin' my leg? nope.
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you sure you're not pullin' my leg? i think it's your dog. oh it's him. good call. get the data options you need and still save hundreds of dollars. do you guys sell, other dogs? now that's simple, easy, awesome. customize each line by paying for data by the gig or get unlimited. get $250 back when you pre-order a new samsung galaxy. click, call, or visit a store today. no, no no no... oh! eww. what is that?! no, no, no! you've got a virus. i have a virus? oh no, oh no.
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i've never seen this. did you try restarting it? mom! any key, enter, space bar, escape... ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ i can customize each line for each family member? yup. and since it comes with your internet, you can switch wireless carriers and save hundreds of dollars a year. are you pullin' my leg? nope. you sure you're not pullin' my leg? i think it's your dog. oh it's him. good call. get the data options you need and still save hundreds of dollars. do you guys sell, other dogs? now that's simple, easy, awesome. customize each line by paying for data by the gig or get unlimited. get $250 back when you pre-order a new samsung galaxy. click, call, or visit a store today. "is no laughing matter. in fact, it's a crime." - [laughing] oh. well played. well played. you know what's so funny is that's how he would look if he were alive today. he'd be like, "is that a black lawyer?" and this was one of those stories that news coverage doesn't help. like,
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if you want to find a murderer, yeah, get his mugshot on the news, but if you want to stop people from putting googly eyes on statues, don't show them how funny it is. because until i saw this story, that thought never crossed my mind. now i'm like, "huh. what if we also add a mustache? yes." ♪ if you ever had someone make fun of your name, trust me, it could have been worse. - for a texas woman and her five-year-old daughter, a southwest airlines flight home turned into a social media nightmare. traci redford says her daughter's unique name caught the attention of a southwest airlines gate agent. this is abcde. but her name is spelled a-b-c-d-e. - the girl's mother says the agent made fun of the name and even posted a photo of her boarding pass on social media for others to chime in. - okay, you know what, first of all, i think this mother is right. what southwest did is not cool. because honestly, if you're southwest airlines, where do you get off making fun of anybody else?
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you're named after a direction. that's not a great name. you're practically the worst airline there is. like, if it weren't for spirit, you'd be spirit. and, yes, united dragged someone off a plane, but at least they wanted to be on a united plane in the first place. you wanna fly southwest? you ask for a water, they say, "suck your spit. shut up." so, no, that southwest employee should not have publicly made fun of this girl's name. but at the same time... at the same time, why would a parent name their child a-b-c-d-e? you're supposed to name your child after her grandmother, not after her grandmother's facebook password. and, honestly, it was only a matter of time before this little girl discovered that she had an unusual name. i mean, she probably figured it out as soon as she boarded the plane. she was trying to find her seat, like, "a, b, c--wait a minute! "wait a minute! i'm in all the seats!" ♪ the holland tunnel.
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right here in new york city. it's one of the most frustrating tunnels to drive through. but not everyone hates it for the same reason. - a new jersey man is taking on the port authority. he is not happy with how they've decked the halls at the holland tunnel, and he wants the decorations to be changed. - on the new jersey side of the holland tunnel, a wreath covers the o in holland perfectly this time of year, like it was designed for that spot. another wreath covers the u in tunnel snugly. and then there's the tree. - you're creeping up, inch by inch, and that tree is just staring at you, and you go, "how is that not in the right place?" - the right place for the tree, cory windelspecht says, is over the preceding a, which would, he says... - seems to fit a tree shape perfectly. - yo, yo, ladies, ladies, find you a man who cares about you as much as this guy cares about the holland tunnel's christmas decorations. now, this guy's been so serious,
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and he's pushed so hard, that the state has said they're actually gonna consider changing the decorations. but i can only imagine all the new jersey bureaucracy that's gonna be involved. you know? it's gonna be people in new jersey being like, "you got to fill out form w-7j," but because it's jersey, it's gonna be, like, on the form, "you got a [bleep] problem, tough guy?" followed by form j-27, where you explain, "wait, you know little anthony?" "if yes, from the old neighborhood? no kidding. his ma used to make the best chicken cutlets." ♪ - a federal judge rules new york's statewide ban on nunchucks is unconstitutional under the second amendment. the ban on the martial arts weapon was adopted in 1974. there were fears the popularity of kung fu films would lead to criminals, especially young gang members, using nunchucks. - yes. do you hear that, people? nunchucks are back, baby!
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they're back! back! what! i feel like i'm 14 years old again. gonna go out and buy some nunchucks and then go home and masturbate furiously. and all of this is happening, thanks to the lawsuit of one very committed new yorker. cowabunga, dude. thank you. i will say-- i will say, new york clearly has its priorities off. like, it's taking forever to legalize weed, but nunchucks are now fair game? like, of all the cities in america, new york is the worst place to legalize nunchucks. everyone is already highly strung. and now you're throwing in ninja tools? like, subway fights are about to get real. like, the only good thing about new york is that it's maybe too crowded to actually pull your arm out. so people are gonna be in the train, like, "man, if i had two-- ooh, if i had two feet. "oh, man, like, you-- "oh, you--oh, and you [bleep] off lady. "i will be--oh, i swear to god. "once the train clears out after canal street, "i'ma kick all y'all ass.
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for now, i'm just gonna make the bruce lee sounds." wah! wah! wah! i will say, though, like, the one benefit of nunchucks is that it's the only weapon that hurts the user more than the victim. i like that. yeah. it just be, like, someone mugging you, like, give me all you mo-- give me--ah. ah--give me all your-- ah, ah, ah. yeah, if i'm in a nunchuck mugging, there's a 50% chance that i'm walking away with his watch. i like that. ♪ - next month, colorado will vote on changing the language in its state constitution so that it no longer allows slavery as a form of punishment. slavery is technically still legal in many states, including colorado. part of colorado's constitution reads that "there shall never be in this state "either slavery or involuntary servitude except as a punishment for crime." amendment a, on the ballot this year, would change the last part to abolish slavery completely. - yo, america... america is real shady.
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you brag about ending slavery, but then you keep it in the fine print? like, when abraham lincoln wrote the emancipation proclamation, i didn't know he was like, "all persons held as slaves henceforth shall be freed... "terms and conditions apply. freed persons may be "reinstated as punishment for crime for work. "really work them cheap and fast. we're gonna get the people working." that's a slick move. ♪ my name is austin, i am a two-time brain cancer conqueror.
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there are some days when i have my, my downs and then i have to rely on my mom to come pick me up from work. we need to be connected on a regular basis. sometimes i get hundreds of texts from her and i'm like stop. i owe everything to her. she's my world. i love you mom. i love you too. (vo) there for you when it matters most. unlimited on the best network now includes apple music and a samsung galaxy, on us. all starting at $40. only on verizon. ohh yeah! ohh yeah! ohh we hide hotel names, so you can find four star hotels at two star prices. ♪ h-o-t-w-i-r-e [dophin making] e-e-e-e coors light is made with barley, water, hop extract, and corn syrup. bud light is made with barley, rice, water, hops, and no corn syrup. good to know. ♪ sweat. dedication.
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cupcakes. i'm michael griffin. i'm brian orakpo. we played football together for the titans. now, we own a cupcake shop. we bake, we decorate. i love this new surface pro. it's light, it's sleek, it's fast. i'm able to draw what color frosting we want. we do a lot with social media. we have funny videos that we do in the bakery [laughs]. there's nothing that you can't do on this device. cupcakes are a great business. oh yeah, as long as you don't eat the profits! that there's a lobster i in our hot tub?t.
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[folksy music] ♪ - florida. god's waiting room. it's home to theme parks, the everglades, your peepaw. and of course, florida man. - police report before committing a sexual act on a tree, yelling he was a god. - was trying to start a fire with spaghetti sauce. - was karate-kicking those birds. - attacked two people. - every week, there's a new headline out of florida-- wild, shocking, unnecessarily sexual. - masturbating at a bus stop told police he was captain kirk. - but have we ever stopped to ask the question, why? something's happening to men in florida.
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and it can't just be a coincidence. as a future pulitzer-winning journalist, it's my responsibility to uncover the truth, to reveal what lies beneath the swamp, to answer the question, what makes a man florida man? - a florida man... - florida man... - florida man... - florida man... - florida man... - a florida man... - a florida man... - first thing i did was some heavy back-channeling, mostly on craigslist and facebook. i needed to locate some of these real-life florida men. first up is robby. last july, he ran into a liquor store with a live alligator for some reason. - florida man robby stratton decided to bring an alligator with him while making a beer run. - yeah, i definitely regret it. it was stupid. - talk to me about the night that you became florida man. - i can't really tell you much about that night. there was too much alcohol involved that night. - not just alcohol, though. it's... there's probably a deep-rooted conspiracy. - no. it was alcohol. - but isn't there something that all florida men share? there's something behind it.
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- mental health issues? - no, that couldn't be it. and this wasn't the only man affected. - he's been hit with charges after pictures in this video showing him handling an alligator, which he posted, were seen by law enforcement. - my real name jordan bedford, but i go by the alligator man. - okay. um, alligator man, what's the common factor among all florida men? - we all different. well, i'm different from the rest. because i do the wrong thing in the right way, if that makes sense. - no. - no? see, you're not from florida. so you don't understand my language, what i'm talking right now, but i do the wild things. anything you think of, i'll probably do it. can't--like i tell you-- - anything? - anything. i catch gators. - anything? - anything. well, not anything. - oh. - but basically anything. when it comes to the reptile animals. mainly the alligators, though. we're, like, here in florida. you're not allowed to catch an alligator. i mean, i didn't know that before, but i know now. i just had a little fun, put him on a leash, and danced with the last one they seen. - what kind of dancing did you do with the alligator? - the alligator man dance. you gotta kick your feet.
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spell alligator in the sand as you dancing. as you going around, you spelling alligator, and ending with the stomp. the alligator man got a commercial too. - you have a commercial? - he got a commercial. he got a theme song. everybody sing like... ♪ na, na, na-na-na, it's the alligator man ♪ - that is 100% the mcdonald's jingle. - well, it's the alligator man song now. - i see what you're saying about doing the wrong thing in the right way and how it works. - it work. - where do you find alligators in florida? - if there's a lake, there's a gator. i promise you. there's gators everywhere. - these chairs are very hard to get up out of. - she gone. - i was heading towards some new ideas. there had to be a common thread. what was i missing? there was something different about this state. so many florida man stories filling the news. did florida reporters know something i didn't? i went to an undisclosed orange grove to meet a very casually dressed journalist to find out. what can you tell me about these florida man stories? - i mean, they are true. people do weird things here in florida. and it gets into the news. - yeah, no shit. - yeah.
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a major factor is that we went from being the least populated southern state in 1940 to now being the third most populous state in the country. - sure. - we've got... - this nerd knew a lot about florida. and while he mostly rambled, i was connecting the dots. - tons of homes everywhere where there used to be just wilderness. - if there's a lake, there's a gator. - 49th among the states in funding for mental health treatment. - mental health issues? - another big factor is florida was the first state in the nation to pass this landmark law called the sunshine act that says that basically any government document is available for reporters to go in and see. police reports, for instance, are all open for inspection. - and that's when it hit me. the missing piece of the puzzle. - by a guy named emory-- - shh--shut up. shut up. that's it! - what's it? - it's the sunshine act. - yeah. - it's not what causes florida man. it's why we hear about florida man. - yeah. pretty much. - i just figured it out all by myself. i'm a [bleep] genius. florida man has been the butt of countless jokes.
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but maybe that's not fair. the sunshine act makes it easier to discover florida man stories. but i was just scratching the surface. we may not hear about them as much, but it turns out there are florida men in every state. - he tried to shoot the moon. - a dog shoots its owner. - masturbating at "the emoji movie." - and while florida will always be america's petri dish of batshit behavior, the truth is: there's a little florida man in all of us. ♪
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[elevator bell] yup. little choices make a big difference. like delicious fruits and veggies. however you healthy. naked. have you ever worked with dr. francis? oh yeah, he's ok. umm... just ok? guess who just got reinstated! well, not officially.
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nervous? yeah. yeah me too. don't worry about it, we'll figure it out. i'll see ya in there! just ok is not ok. especially when it comes to your network. at&t is america's best wireless network, according to america's biggest test. now with 5g evolution. the first step to 5g. more for your thing. that's our thing. (butcher) we both know you're not just looking for pork chops. you're searching for something more... ...red-blooded. right this way. you thirst for adrenaline, you hunger for raw power. well, you've come to the right place. the road is yours, dig in.
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[folksy music] ♪ - big news from the world of sports. the saints, the rams, the chiefs, and the patriots are all moving onto the conference championships. and while these teams are moving on, chicago is stuck in the past. - chicago still reeling. we saw the game, from cody parkey's missed field goal--ahh-- at last week's bears/eagles playoff game. that knocked chicago out of the playoffs. so much in fact that a chicago brewery sponsored the parkey challenge, where 101 people lined up and attempted a 43-yard field goal. - fan after fan continued to try to kick their way for a successful field goal, many of them falling down or kicking the stand in the process. crowd: ohh! - whoever came up with this idea is a genius.
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yeah, no, you know why? you know why? because sports fans always act like they could have won the game, right? when they're barely winning in life. you people sitting at home like, "you idiot! you should have passed the ball "earlier, god damn it. mom! my hand is stuck in the pringles can again!" i think we should do this for everything. everyone that has too much of this when they don't do the job. be like, "oh, that pilot's landing was horrible." all right, sully, why don't you take the controls? "no, if i was thor, i would have gotten thanos in the head." well, it's funny you say that, because thanos is outside right now. why don't you take that axe and prove it? "oh, i would, but my hand is stuck in this pringles can." but easily, easily my favorite attempt at the field goal was this one. crowd: ohh! - [laughs] oh, man. the bright yellow vest was not the protection that man needed. and now his balls have a concussion.
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♪ - boo--[coughs] - les: ♪ i'm goin' down ♪ to south park ♪ gonna have myself a time - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks ♪ without temptation - les: ♪ goin' down ♪ to south park ♪ gonna leave my woes behind - ♪ ample parking ♪ day or night ♪ people spouting ♪ "howdy, neighbor" - les: ♪ headin' on up ♪ to south park ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind - kenny: [muffled singing] - les: ♪ come on down ♪ to south park

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